It was not my intention to be gone so long. In my long absence, I have relearned a few things I had forgotten. The first is that when you have a toddler toddling about the house, time to yourself at the computer is rare, therefore my lack of posts. My answer to this problem was to write the old-fashioned way - pen and paper - and then type it in some evening after The Nugget1 was asleep. This leads directly to the second relearning - months and months of interrupted night sleep are not exactly conducive to forming coherent thoughts. I have said to myself many times I should do a post about XXX only to find myself unable to organize my thoughts. My third relearning is that no two babies are the same. Who was I to think that just because Noodle12 and Lashes9 were great sleepers and nappers that The Nugget1 would be too? Sleep is just not a priority for The Nugget1. He rarely naps and lately he is up two or three times during the night. He is easy to get back to sleep, but I am not. I lay awake sometimes for hours only to finally feel sleepy just in time for him to wake up again. The Greek tries to share the load with me, but The Nugget1 is definitely a mamma's boy at night.
After spending many of the past months in denial I have finally accepted the situation. The Nugget1 may never sleep until he is a teenager, when inexplicably some switch will flip in his brain and then all he will do is sleep. What I am having a harder time accepting is that I have now become one of those women who feel like their brain function has decreased significantly since becoming a mother. On the bright side I suppose I should feel fortunate that it took six kids before this happened. I know many women who feel this way after only one or two children. I am now convinced this feeling is not a function of how many children you have but a function of how many sleep-avoiding children you have.
I find it very unsettling that my memory is now nonexistent and that next to nothing that comes out of my mouth makes any sense. My kids are convinced I've lost it. They often stare at me with expressions that are a combination of puzzlement (is that even a word?) and pity. "Does she really want us to put our wet soccer clothes in the dishwasher? "
The long answer is to that question is "No. Mommy doesn't really want wet soccer clothes in the dishwasher. What she REALLY WANTS is about a week where she can sleep when she feels like it and for as long as she feels like it. She thinks that might "fix" her."
Post script: As I typed this post, The Nugget1 crawled into my lap and swatted at the keyboard until I almost gave up writing this post. Then a most amazing thing happened. He got still and fell asleep. Now the question is: Can I manage to lay him down without waking him so that maybe I can catch a nap too?
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2 comments:
Oh, I am SO glad to hear from you! I thought maybe you had given up blogging for good. I've managed to keep up somewhat with mine, but the frequency and quality of the posts has certainly declined since the arrival of the little one (who turned 2 last month!!)
I'm terribly sorry to hear about the sleep situation. My middle child was/is a sleep avoider. I spent 2 years severely sleep deprived, and more after that only moderately sleep deprived. Even now, at age 7, sleep can be a fraught issue for him. He sleeps well for a few months, then has a couple of weeks of trouble. We are in a trouble period right now, as a matter of fact. I think it's just the way some people are wired, even as babies.
A bug in your husband's ear: the very best gift my husband *ever* gave me was a night alone at a local Red Roof Inn when my non-sleeper (Alexander) was about 18 months old. I was in the severely sleep deprived years, but A. was old enough that he was at least partly night-weaned. (I knew he could make it one night without me.) I left the house around 7 PM and came back the next day around 11 AM. I read a little and watched one show on TV, but mostly I slept. I think I slept for 11 or 12 hours, only waking once in the night to wonder how things were going at home. When I returned home, I felt like a new woman. I felt like *myself* again after a long year and a half! I was cheerful and resourceful and patient and mentally "with it" in ways that I feared I had lost forever. It didn't last of course, but it sure helped to know that recovering my old self was only a matter of time and sleep. If you can manage to do this some time in the next few months, DO! Ask for it for Christmas. The physical effect only lasts a couple of days, but the psychological effect lingers a bit longer and offers a glimpse of the light at the end of the tunnel.
For myself, I'm pleased to say that although Ethan is not the best sleeper ever, he's really not bad. There are nights that are bad, but it's by no means *every* night like it was with Alexander. Having another sleep-avoider was one of my biggest fears about having a third baby, and I know you can understand why! Hope it gets better for you soon. Sleep deprivation is torture.
Thank you Stephanie for taking the time to post all of that. It makes me feel better somehow, just knowing I'm not alone is the journey that is motherhood. Everything is a phase and it will be over all too soon, even if sometimes it doesn't feel like it. I LOVE your idea about a night at a close hotel. That is moving to the top of my holiday list :). I just want to feel, no matter how brief, what you described: that you felt like yourself again, that you saw the light at the end of the tunnel.
I hope Alexanders bout of recent sleep trouble passes soon. So nice to catch up with you. I read your blog every time you have new post, I don't always get to comment though. Your garden looked like it was really successful this summer.
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